There is a peculiar kind of misery that belongs almost exclusively to children who are accustomed to getting things right. It is not the sadness of failing an examination after months of hard work, nor the disappointment of discovering that a coveted place on a sports team has gone to somebody else. It is the unsettling discombobulation of the first time you encounter something that you cannot do, despite having always assumed that you could do pretty much anything if you tried. For a child whose experience of school has consisted largely of praise, good marks and the reassuring knowledge that they are one of the clever ones, genuine difficulty or sudden failure can come as something of a shock.
This is one of the great misconceptions about high-achieving children. We tend to assume that bright children are the lucky ones, and of course, in many respects they are. Academic ability undoubtedly makes school easier. It can open doors, generate opportunities and bring the considerable satisfaction of discovering that you are good at something. Yet being academically capable is not an unqualified advantage. In some circumstances, being accustomed to success can make failure harder to bear.
As a tutor, I see this particularly clearly when students reach the point at which their natural aptitude stops being sufficient. There is usually a stage in a child’s education when things have to change. Perhaps the subject becomes more demanding, perhaps the examination requires a greater depth of understanding, or perhaps the student has simply reached the limits of what can be achieved without putting in some serious effort. For a child who has always found schoolwork straightforward, this can be profoundly unsettling. They have never needed to learn how to struggle.
Struggling, in fact, is a skill. That may sound absurd, but I genuinely believe it is one of the most important things that children can learn at school. We spend a great deal of time teaching young people how to succeed and considerably less time teaching them how to fail. Yet anybody can enjoy learning when everything goes well; the more useful skill is learning how to keep going when it doesn’t.
Children who have struggled academically from an early age have, at least in one respect, an advantage over those who have always sailed through. They have had opportunities to discover that failure is survivable. They have made mistakes, received disappointing marks, gone back and tried again. They may have become accustomed to asking for help. They may have learned, sometimes painfully, that not understanding something immediately does not mean that they will never understand it.
A child who has always been successful may have had very little reason to develop true resilience. I vividly remember the highly successful older brother of a school-friend, who had secured a scholarship to Eton College and was wildly successful at everything he did. He cried when he failed his driving test.
I am always more concerned when a student tells me that they have “never had to revise” than when they tell me that they have always struggled. The former sounds like an advantage, until you consider what happens when revision becomes necessary (which it inevitably will). If a student has reached their late teens having achieved excellent results simply by turning up, listening and possessing a reasonably good memory, they may have absolutely no idea how to study when the material becomes too extensive to absorb by osmosis. Suddenly, they are expected to retrieve, practise, organise, plan and persevere, and nobody has ever taught them how.
There is also a psychological problem. Children are extraordinarily sensitive to the identities that adults construct around them, and “clever” can become a particularly powerful one. A child who is repeatedly praised for being clever may begin to understand that cleverness is not simply something they possess but something they must demonstrate. Success becomes evidence that they are clever; failure therefore becomes evidence of the opposite. The stakes of getting something wrong are suddenly much higher than the mark on the piece of paper would suggest. Perfectionism is sometimes presented as though it were simply an admirable character trait taken to excess. After all, what could be wrong with wanting to do things well? The problem arises when “I want to do this well” becomes “I must not get this wrong”. The former encourages care and ambition. The latter can become utterly paralysing.
I have encountered students who would rather spend twenty minutes staring at a question than write down an answer they suspect might be wrong. They are not lazy and they are certainly not unintelligent. Quite the opposite. They have become so accustomed to being right that the prospect of being wrong feels intolerable. The irony is that their fear of making mistakes prevents them from doing the very thing that would make them better.
There is an enormous difference between high standards and perfectionism. High standards allow for imperfection along the way. Perfectionism does not. One says, “I want to produce something excellent.” The other says, “Anything less than excellent proves that I am not good enough.” That distinction becomes particularly important during adolescence, when academic performance can become tangled up with a young person’s increasingly complicated sense of identity.
The pressure does not always come from parents. Sometimes, it comes from the children themselves. Parents may be perfectly supportive and genuinely uninterested in whether their child achieves the highest possible grade, while the child is quietly placing enormous expectations upon themselves. They have spent years being told that they are clever and they have internalised the message. Being clever has become part of who they are, and losing that status can feel like losing something fundamental.
There is another peculiar phenomenon that can affect bright children: boredom. A child who understands new material quickly may spend considerable periods of time waiting for everybody else to catch up. If this happens repeatedly, they may develop the unfortunate habit of associating school with effortless achievement rather than intellectual challenge. They learn to expect that understanding should arrive quickly and that being confused is a sign that something has gone wrong.
This is one reason why genuinely challenging work matters, even for students who appear to need very little help. Bright children need opportunities to discover that there are things they do not yet know. They need to encounter problems for which the answer is not immediately apparent. They need to experience the slightly disconcerting sensation of being the least knowledgeable person in the room. They need to discover that other people can know things they do not know without this diminishing them in any way. They need an education rather than a succession of confirmations that they are clever.
This is one of the reasons I am rather suspicious of the tendency to praise children exclusively for their intelligence. It seems harmless enough, and nobody is going to object to being told that their child is bright, but there is a difference between saying “you are very clever” and “you worked that out beautifully”. The first describes an attribute. The second draws attention to what the child actually did. It is a small distinction, but over many years these messages accumulate.
There is, of course, a danger in taking this too far. Bright children should not be deliberately made to struggle merely to teach them a lesson. There is nothing virtuous about making education unnecessarily difficult, and a child who is capable of achieving highly should be allowed to enjoy that achievement. Nor should we romanticise academic struggle or pretend that every child who finds school difficult is therefore developing superior resilience. Struggling without adequate support is not character-building; sometimes it is simply miserable. The point is rather that children need a mixture of success and challenge. They need to know what competence feels like, but they also need to know what it feels like not to be competent yet. The “yet” matters. It introduces the possibility of change.
This is a particularly important lesson for bright children because, sooner or later, life will provide them with something that school has not. There will be a subject they cannot master immediately, a job they cannot do perfectly, a relationship they cannot control, a decision for which there is no obviously correct answer. Nobody is naturally good at adulthood. We are all improvising. The real curse of being bright is therefore not being intelligent. It is being allowed to believe that intelligence will always be enough.
A child who learns that mistakes are tolerable, that effort is worthwhile and that competence can be developed has been given something considerably more valuable than a string of excellent marks. They have learned how to learn. And when the day eventually comes when something does not come easily, they will be much less likely to interpret that difficulty as evidence that they have stopped being clever and much more likely to see it for what it actually is: the beginning of learning something new.







